Friday, October 20, 2006

Power Out

So. Okay. Well, the diagnosis is MS. 'Multiple sclerosis'. I have 'multiple sclerosis'. I can't even tell if I'm spelling it right. Guess I'd better learn. Fuck. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

Cosmically speaking, perhaps I ought to be flattered. Uniqueness confirmed. Really, I'm not one for this sort of drama. At worst, I'd thought maybe it would be a benign tumor. That would be the afterschool TV special. MS? That's like something you'd see on Lifetime. This just isn't the sort of of adventure I'd ever anticipated. Let's get back in the car and sing 'Africa'.

So, this is my home for the next week or so. I don't really need to be hospitalized, but even Tokyo is kind of far to be coming every day for treatment, forget going back to Osaka. Oh, and see that white packet on the table to the right? Yeah, that's a 'lumbar puncture kit'. Big fun.

I held together pretty well while the doctor explained the MRIs, pointing out the spinal cord lesion that was the source of the numbness, and the white spots here and there on my brain that made a diagnosis of MS almost certain. Some crying. Composed myself enough to go and eat dinner on the base, and buy some pajamas and a toothbrush at the NEX. I didn't exactly come anticipating a hospital stay.

When I got back, I sat on the hospital bed and waited for things to happen. I thought about how this would effect my job. I thought about how much I hate needles. I thought about having to call the people at work and explain. I didn't want to explain.

Eventually, a nurse came in. "So," she asked, after pointing out the lights and the call button. "How long have you had MS?"

I tried to sound nonchalant. "I just found out a few hours ago."

It was shortly thereafter that I started a slow, insipid weeping.