Saturday, May 30, 2009

America and Her Magical Powers

"Sir, I'm sorry, but we can't frame that."

"What?! Isn't this the US Frame Shop? Didn't you see my US passport?"

"Well, yes, but..."

"But what?! Just what are my tax dollars going towards, anyways? Do I need to write my congressman just to get you to fill a simple request?"

"But Sir, it's... jello."


"You really can't frame jello."

"Why not? Don't tell me you've never had this request before. What good are you people, anyway? I want to speak to the consul! You're telling me the US government can't handle jello?"

"Well, it's not exactly standard. I mean... I'm not really sure how you'd attach it to the mat. And then there's the problem of leakage. Jello is awfully runny. Oh, and I am the consul."

"Look, you know how the frame shops are in this country: no respect for framing laws and practices; no appreciation of basic framing standards. That's why I came here -- I thought the US Frame Shop could help me. But now you're telling me you can't help me. What am I supposed to do with this jello? Just leave it unframed? Do you know what a bind that puts me and my family in? Are you really sure you can't just do something?"

"Well. I suppose, maybe, we could build a custom box from plexi-glass. We could design the box to be shallow, to go against the wall, then build the frame around it. We'd have to order the plexi pre-cut since we don't have any in stock, but we could put it together with caulking to make it watertight. Of course, we'd have to order the caulking, too, and buy a caulking gun. If we ran the airvac non-stop for a week it would clear the dust out of the warehouse enough that the caulking and plexi should stay clean while they were drying. We'd probably have to build some special vice grips as well, to hold it square without scratching it while it dried. Then, once that was all done, if you put the jello in the plexi-glass box, theoretically, I suppose, you might be able to frame it..."

"Great. I need it an an hour. Oh, and I don't want to pay for it. That's not a problem, is it?"

"Sorry, Sir, I just noticed -- is the person in line behind you carrying a human head?"

"Yeah, but he's just a greencard holder. I don't think he'll want it framed with conservation glass or anything."


Lee said...

Consular work sucks

The Great Raisin (Lune Fromage) said...

Wow! Thank you for making me laugh. I know this probably wasn't a pleasant experience for you, but it's the stories like these that make me (and apparently all of your readers!) want to join the FS. I used to work in a pharmacy and once a man came in claiming that he was a Vietnam War Veteran and that he had a human liver inside of his backpack and needed free ice for it. Hands down the best day of work ever.

NoDoubleStandards said...


hannah said...

Best analogy ever...

Katie said...

As I feverishly stalk FSO blogs the day after taking the FSOT, I am positively DELIGHTED to find you. After reading the yahoo groups mania and lists of qualifying education, I was nervous that my decade in picture framing (and 8 hours daily of listening to NPR) might not make me qualified for the work. Now I see that I'm potentially exactly prepared for the work. You crack me up and your writing is lovely. Here's hoping I follow in your footsteps.

-Another Picture Framing Katie