Wednesday, November 30, 2011

What You Talk About When You Don't Talk About NATO

I decided last month that I don't want to do public diplomacy work anymore. I'm still sorting through the full implications of this.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Plus, I try not to date outside of the Visa Waiver Program

It's no secret that cross-cultural relationships can be fraught with stress and difficulty. Throw in an extreme age gap, dissimilar religious backgrounds, and a language barrier, and you're really just asking for heartbreak. I saw this all too often during my consular work.

So, all you Pakistani males aged 14-18, please stop sending me unsolicited Facebook friend requests. I'm really sorry, but it's just not going to work out.

Saturday, November 05, 2011

Good Afternoon, Class

"Thank you all so much for joining us for our annual American History Course here at the Consulate. All of the instructors are diplomats who, after having their arms vigorously twisted out of their sockets, have generously offered their time to teach you. I'd like to begin with my lecture 'The Evolution of American History'. Basically, all of evolution was a prelude to the formation of America, at which point God rested. Are there any questions?"

"Yes, why does America hate Pakistan?"

"That's a great question. Hating Pakistan was one of our founding principles -- if you flip over the Declaration of Independence, you'll see that Jefferson made a note on the back instructing us to steal Pakistan's nuclear weapons. As the Declaration predated both the formation of Pakistan and the discovery of nuclear power by over one hundred years, we believe this demonstrates the incredible foresight of our country's founders."

"On your timeline, before 'Americans invent democracy', you have written 'dinosaurs'. What's the connection between dinosaurs and September 11th?"

"Dinosaurs were the original victims of the 9/11 attacks, which is why you don't see any today. Some people theorize that dinosaurs actually initiated and carried out the attacks themselves in order to later star in Steven Spielberg's Jurassic Park. That is ridiculous."

"May I ask a question?"


"Your hair looks like Barbie's."

"Thank you. I believe that concludes our session for this afternoon."