Tuesday, March 05, 2013

Nothing is Different, But Everything has Changed

Karyn is sick.  I hadn't really planned on talking about it -- the big challenge for me is to let her experience MS her own way and not jump in to 'assist' with my own experience of it.  Plus, selfishly, all these years later, I still want to hold on to my own trauma/drama/melodrama as something unique and unshareable.  Shaking and shaking and worrying over the holes eating their way through my brain and nerves like cigarette burn marks.  Worrying about being desirable.  Worrying about being able to work.  Overblown worry, as it turned out.  As I tell myself.  As I tell a string of boyfriends.  As I try to tell my bosses when I explain, "I'm so sorry to not be on point lately -- I have MS, and it bothers me [rarely! hardly! almost never!] sometimes."

"Nothing is different, but everything has changed," Karyn tells us.  I understand -- I completely understand.  There's a philosophy thought problem that asks, if everything in the world one day doubled in size, would we know?  Yes, as it turns out.  Yes.  Yes, we would.

"My sister is sick," I tell my friends.  There's not much in the telling.  "Will she be alright?" they ask.  Yes.  Yes, she will.


Anonymous said...

At least she's not going through this alone. I'm sure Karyn knows that you are there to share your/her experience when and if she is ready. That must be a comfort to her. You have both been so brave! And yes, I think you can be brave even when you are scared. Love you both! BTW... String of boyfriends???


Katie said...

Nah, it's only brave if you choose it. I think her husband is the brave one.

"String" might be overstating things a little, I admit!