Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Security Clearance Time!

Please respond to the following in as much detail as possible.  Failure to completely and correctly answer all questions may result in administrative action against you, including but not limited to loss of your security clearance, jail time, and permanent placement on Post's Fourth of July planning committee.

1.  Do you have now, or have you ever had at any point within the past seven (7) years, a spouse, cohabitant, family member, friend, acquaintance, work colleague, or pet?  Yes ___  No ___

1a) If the answer to (1) is 'Yes', please provide the details of each, including full name, birthdate, citizenship(s), physical address, legal address, phone number(s), blood type, date of initial contact, extent and type of contact, frequency of contact, phase of moon during contact, and degree of separation from Kevin Bacon. [Note:  please limit your response to three pages.]

1b) If pet's name is "Spot," please describe the color of the spot(s), the number, and their approximate size(s).

2.  Did you include your Facebook friends in the above list?  Yes ___  No ___

2a) If the answer to (2) is 'No', we invite you to correct your mistake.

3.  Do you have now, or have you ever had at any point within the past seven (7) years, a personal email account?  Yes ___  No ___

3a) If the answer to (3) is 'Yes', do you now use, or have you ever used at any point within the past seven (7) years, your personal email account for work related purposes?  Yes ___  No ___  Kind of ___

3b) If the answer to (3a) is 'Kind of', are you a former Secretary of State?  Yes ___  No ___

3c) If the answer to (3b) is 'Yes', may we provide your name to the New York Times?  They keep calling.

4. Do you have now, or have you ever had at any point within the past seven (7) years, a personal passport?  Yes ___  No ___

4a) If the answer to (4) is 'Yes', please provide the document number, the date and place of issuance, the date of expiry, and a short essay describing your passport photo.  If the answer to (4) is 'No', please skip to question (6).

5.  Have you, at any point within the past seven (7) years, used your passport for personal travel outside of the United States?  [Note:  Dubai is outside of the United States.]  Yes ___  No ___

5a) If the answer to (5) is 'Yes', please list all trips taken, including the date of the trip, the purpose of the trip, your port of entry, where you stayed, what you ate, what you wore, and which embarrassing ex-boyfriend accompanied you.

5b) If you have photos of you and your embarrassing ex-boyfriend(s), please provide them to DS for posting on the Department's website.

6.  Please list all your places of physical residence within the past seven (7) years.  Include whether you enjoyed the place of residence, what time of year is best to visit, a recommended local hotel, and a list of nearby restaurants and tourist attractions.  [Note:  if one of your previous or current places of residence is 'Hawaii', please be informed that determination of your clearance eligibility may require extra time and multiple on site trips by a DS agent.]

7.  How would you describe 'Gary Busey'?  Creepy ___  Avuncular ___  I am Gary Busey ___

7a) If the answer to (7) is 'I am Gary Busey', please note your clearance is revoked.  This decision is not subject to appeal.

6 comments:

Geraldine Kiser said...

Thanks for the laugh today!

Katie said...

DS will be calling you, Mom.

Anonymous said...

I am Gary Busey

Anonymous said...

This is all too accurate.

Anonymous said...

I am concerned that the Chinese now know that I am Gary Busey. Any advice on what I should do now? I am considering unfriending everyone on Facebook and painting over the spots on Spot.

Katie said...

You're on the right track. Plan B should be a tell all book or perhaps a blog where you occasionally lampoon your place of employment. DS loves that.