Saturday, June 04, 2016

I, Robot.

I hadn't realized how stressed I was till I rather irrationally lashed out at a friend over email.  Email is good for revealing ones darker impulses.  I was quite embarrassed to have been outed in this manner.

Being a firm believer that the answer to most any problem is more and better science, I undertook a mental inventory to determine the source of my stress.  Conclusion? Insufficient time to accomplish my required tasks.  The path forward was clear:  I'd need to create more time.

A few immediately operable methods came quickly to mind:  first, I would no longer walk from place to place.  All movements would be be at the speed of a light jog.  I figured this would add as much as an hour to my day, more if I abandoned my work shoes.  I kicked them off forthwith.

Second, all superfluous interactions would need to cease.  Countless "good mornings" and "how are you?s" were taking up precious seconds of my day.  And weren't the responses kind of a given?  What information were these social nicities really providing me?  I considered a few alternatives.  Silent nodding was tempting, but threatened confusion on the part of others -- confusion that might require time-frittering moments of clarification.  Eventually I settled on the most eloquent work-around:  a sign hung from my neck listing out common social greetings and responses.  Added bonus:  writing the greetings and responses in several different languages made this a nod to cultural diversity.  I was pleased at this EEO-sensitive touch.

Third, bathing.  Necessary?  I thought not.

Lastly, daily sustenance seemed an easy way to trim fat from my schedule, though would need to be handled carefully lest I also inadvertently trim fat from my waistline -- I had no time to buy new clothes or fashion makeshift belts.  Making a back of the envelope calculation of daily calorie intake, I determined that dropping lunch and replacing breakfast and dinner with shots of straight cream would maintain energy equilibrium yet gain me the 15 minutes I'd been thoughtlessly spending scarfing down a sandwich each afternoon.  I dutifully added this to my plan of attack and sent the write-up to my supervisor for comment and approval.

She responded with one suggestion:  cutting out my twice daily trips to buy and imbibe coffee would be another time saving measure, especially given the advent of readily available ingestible caffeine tablets.  This, however, I refused.  I'm not a machine.